I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
