I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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