I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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