I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
