Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
