sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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