I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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