I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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