walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
