Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
