three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
