Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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