so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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