my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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