problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
