i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
