she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
