3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
