I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
