I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
