what day is it and did you see me today?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
did i just pee glitter
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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