I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
