i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
