On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
