btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
