If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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