not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
