I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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