Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
that's an acceptable place to lick
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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