I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
