The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
