Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
