Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
