And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
His nipple licking is glorious
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
