i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
