How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This is the high leading the old right now
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
