id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
