the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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