her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Randomize
