Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?