if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize