forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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