I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
