you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
someone owes me an orgasm
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
