but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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