I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
