do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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