I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I love you.
Bad choice
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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