My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I pour the whiskey from now on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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