Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
