I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
