So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
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Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize