I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
