Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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