I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Alive.
So much puke
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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