I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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