There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
