I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
