So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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