girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
