my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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