Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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